Dating With Food Allergies: What You Need to Know

The nervous excitement, the awkward moments, the joy of finding love – these feelings have long been a part of dating in the world today. But what to do if that romantic dinner comes with the risk of a food allergy reaction? That’s more than an awkward moment. It’s a potentially life-threatening situation.

Dating with a food allergy takes extra planning and communication. It shouldn’t stop you from finding love. The right person will understand that your safety is important and will want to help protect you. Remember that your food allergy is a part of who you are, but it does not have to define you. And it does not have to limit your ability to have great relationships or a social life.

Understanding food allergies

It is vitally important you understand your food allergy diagnosis. You are responsible for taking care of your food allergy needs on a date. You have to understand what you can and can’t eat. You must know the symptoms of a severe allergic reaction, including life-threatening anaphylaxis.

Food allergies occur when your immune system mistakenly identifies a harmless food as a threat. This triggers a range of symptoms that can vary from mild discomfort to life-threatening anaphylaxis. These include hives, swelling on the mouth, lips or throat, breathing problems, digestive problems and nausea. The top 9 food allergens are peanuts, tree nuts, fish, shellfish, milk, eggs, wheat, sesame and soy.

Even a tiny amount of an allergenic food can cause a reaction. It could happen during a restaurant date or while having a home-cooked meal at your partner’s home. Cross-contact of food (also called cross contamination), in which a small amount of your allergen comes into contact with a non-allergenic food, is often a concern. This can happen during the cooking process or food service. It’s why many people with food allergies go to restaurants prepared with a Chef Card.

You also must know what to do in case of an anaphylactic reaction. Carry epinephrine with you at all times so that you have immediate access to emergency treatment. Your options include epinephrine auto-injectors and epinephrine nasal sprays.

Understanding the nature of food allergies and how to prevent and treat a reaction is the first step in managing them effectively.

Start a conversation about food allergies

Choosing the appropriate time to mention your food allergy is a personal decision. It might feel scary or awkward, but it’s really important. Since dating so often revolves around dining out, the subject of food allergies cannot be ignored. Here are some quick tips for bringing it up:

• Be honest from the beginning – mention your food allergies before the first date.
• Discuss the foods to which you are allergic.
• Explain what happens if have an allergic reaction.
• Let them know how they can help keep you safe.

When you first start dating, keep the conversation about your food allergy clear and concise. Your date may have no or limited knowledge of the condition. Discussing it in great detail on an early date might be too much, too soon. Understanding what it means to live with food allergies takes time – much like dating.

You may also want to meet at restaurants you know are food allergy friendly and where you have had positive dining experiences.

When casual dating moves to the next level – a relationship – that’s a more appropriate time to have a deeper conversation. Talk about feelings that may arise after an allergic reaction, like embarrassment or anxiety. Show your partner where you keep emergency medication. These are not first- or second-date conversations. This is for when the relationship is more of a partnership. You don’t want your partner to feel helpless in an emergency.”

Communicating your needs

What should you say when you inform your partner, friends and family about your food allergy? First and foremost, share details about the specific foods to which you are allergic. Then bring up the severity of your reactions and the steps you take to prevent them.

Open communication can help prevent an accidental exposure to food allergens. It ensures the people around you know how to respond in case of a severe reaction. By being clear about your needs, you create a safer environment for yourself and those you care about.

It’s also important to discuss your food allergies in a positive or matter-of-fact way. If you present your food allergy in a negative way or as something you feel embarrassed or ashamed about, then your date or partner may pick up on that energy. But if you present it as something you have a grasp on and just accept as part of your life, this should make your date or partner feel more at ease.

Plus, some people may find it attractive to talk to someone who deals with challenges, and overcomes them.

What about online dating?

Online dating brings its own set of expectations – and uncertainties. Should you mention in your dating profile that you have a severe allergy to shellfish? Should you bring up your severe milk allergy when exchanging messages with someone, whether on a dating website or a dating app?

Dating experts say you should be authentic from the get-go. It’s common for people to mention their health conditions in their dating profiles. You’re letting the other person know that your food allergy is a part of who you are. And you will want to know early on if your romantic interest will be mindful and considerate of you and your health issue.

Finding someone who understands and accepts your food allergy makes it easier for you both to progress to the next stage of your friendship and relationship.

How to plan a safe date with food allergies

Whether your date is going to a restaurant or doing a fun activity, you want to make sure you’re safe. Here are some tips to make sure you can enjoy your time without worrying about your health.

Pick a safe place

Choose a restaurant or activity that works for your allergies. Pick a restaurant you already trust or look for places with allergy-friendly menus. Review the menu online and if there’s any uncertainty, call ahead to ask if they can accommodate your needs.

Meeting up for coffee or tea may be a great way to get to know someone while keeping your allergy risk low.

Bring your allergy medication

Always carry epinephrine if you are at risk for severe allergies. It’s better to have it and not need it than to be unprepared. Let your date know where it is, just in case.

Cook together at home or go on a picnic

If you both like to cook, making an allergy-safe meal together at home can be a fun and safe option. Pick recipes that don’t include your food allergens or replace allergens with safe food substitutions. Together you can enjoy creating something delicious together.

Alternatively, you can have a picnic date where you each bring your own food. But you should be cautious about sharing food.

Focus on spending time together

When making the date – especially a first date – consider activities that don’t involve food. These may include:

• Going to the movies
• Walking or hiking in parks
• Playing miniature golf
• Playing board games at home
• Visiting museums

If you and your date have a common interest, set up a date that revolves around that interest.

Many dating experts agree that a short first date is less pressure. It allows you to focus on basics and whether you want to spend more time with this person.

Have fun

Dating is supposed to be fun. The whole point is to get to know someone and find out if this is someone with whom you want to spend more time. Maybe you’re beyond that stage? Focus on being together and expressing affection with each other. A medical condition is just one part of who you are. Accept your whole self and your partner can, too.

Tips for successful dating with food allergies

Here are some tips you may find helpful in making dating with food allergies easier:

• Be confident about your food allergy, dietary needs and medication.
• Be patient while your partner learns about your food allergy.
• Share reliable information about food allergies.
• Explain that food protein can remain in saliva after eating and may lead to allergic responses during kissing.
• Bring your emergency epinephrine with you.
• Have backup plans for dates if your partner is not taking your food allergy seriously.
• Thank your partner when they help keep you safe.

Eating at restaurants together

First, make sure your partner knows about and understands your condition. Be honest and explain what foods you need to avoid. Most people will appreciate that you are being open and want to keep things safe.

Talk with your partner about your food options before planning a restaurant date. Choose a restaurant that works for your allergies.

• Call the restaurant ahead of time to confirm they can accommodate food allergies.
• Check menus online before eating out.
• Upon arrival, communicate with the host and restaurant staff about your food allergies. Give the server a card that lists your allergies and ask that it be given to the chef or kitchen staff.
• Ask that your food be made separate from other meals, even if your dinner date or other diners are also food-allergic individuals. This can reduce the risk for cross contact. Cross contact and undetectable levels of allergens can bring an abrupt end to what may be a wonderful date.
• Read the menu again when at your table – it might be different from the online menu. Ask about ingredients when ordering your meal.

Make sure you bring two doses of epinephrine for treatment in case of an accidental exposure to your food allergen.

Kissing safely with food allergies

Ahh, the first kiss. The excitement, the spontaneity, the romance … the hives? Yes, allergic reactions to kissing can occur – even from a peck on the cheek – when a food allergen remains in a partner’s saliva. The risk of a severe reaction is small, though. Most severe reactions occur as a result of ingesting the allergen.

A passionate 10 second kiss can exchange close to 1 teaspoon of saliva. Saliva can contain a food allergen hours after the food has been absorbed by the body. So, for example, if you have a peanut allergy and your partner just ate a meal containing peanuts, wait several hours before engaging in a kiss. Levels of peanut residue are likely present in your partner’s saliva.

One kissing study showed 12% of people with food allergies had an allergic reaction after kissing someone. It usually happened when their date recently ate something to which they are allergic. The closer the kiss is to when your date ate the food, the more likely they were to have a reaction.

Another study focusing on peanut allergens in saliva found no detectible peanut protein nearly four hours after eating peanut butter. This highlights the importance of waiting a few hours before intimate contact.

A few simple precautions can preserve the romance. Here are some hot tips for kissing safely with food allergies:

• Inform your partner about your food allergy before kissing. Ideally this discussion should occur on a first date or early in a relationship.
• Avoid kissing right after eating or consuming foods. Wait a few hours so there’s enough time between the meal and kissing.
• Wait until after another meal. A kissing study found that waiting several hours and then eating an allergen-free meal was effective at reducing allergens in the saliva from the previous meal.
• If you have a peanut allergy, consider asking your date to eat a peanut-free meal. This can ensure you do not have peanut exposure and reduce the risk of an allergic reaction to kissing. The same applies to tree nut allergies as well.
• While it may not be romantic, you may want to ask your partner to brush his or her teeth and tongue, and/or rinse out the mouth, before kissing. Brushing teeth and using mouthwash before kissing can help reduce residual protein in saliva.
• Chewing gum can also help reduce residual protein in saliva. Be sure to choose chewing gum that is free from allergens.

Meeting friends and family

You’ve gone on multiple dates. You’re in a relationship. Now it’s time to meet your partner’s friends and family. Before any gatherings or holiday meals, it’s best to make sure they are aware of your food allergies. This way they can adapt to your dietary needs.

You may prefer that your partner communicate this need to family members. But you should also feel comfortable doing so. You’ll want to tell your partner’s family what foods you need to avoid. Be specific. Explain that some foods can go under other names so it’s important to check ingredients. Inform them about the risks of cross contact and how to keep food preparation safe.

Ideally, you’ll want to let them know what to do if you experience a severe allergic reaction. This may sound scary to talk about and make you feel vulnerable. It’s better to bring it up than to have an emergency.

Be prepared to advocate for yourself if others don’t understand or take your food allergy seriously. Your life may depend on it.

Teaching others about emergency medicine

When should you ask your date to help you administering epinephrine, if needed? Remember, it’s best if you talk openly with your partner about your food allergy. This includes your medical needs in case of an accidental exposure, especially if you are at risk for anaphylaxis.

There may come a time where you may need help with epinephrine if you’re having a food-allergic reaction. This may not be a first-date conversation. The second or third date may be the time to talk openly about your anaphylaxis medication, especially if you use epinephrine auto-injectors.

You hopefully have gotten to know your date partner a little more by this time. You have a sense of whether your partner is willing and able to help you in an emergency. (Some people may be uncomfortable injecting a needle, for example.)

Be patient as your partner learns about your food allergy and medication. A good partner will take your food allergy seriously and help you feel safe. When you are both comfortable, demonstrate how to administer the epinephrine device so you both feel prepared.

If your relationship becomes serious, your partner should also learn…

• Where you keep your epinephrine, whether at home or during a date
• When to use it — the signs of an anaphylactic reaction
• How to call for emergency help
• What to tell emergency workers

Shared kitchens and bathrooms

When you start spending more time at each other’s homes, it’s important to make sure allergens are labeled clearly. It’s also good to have allergen-free zones in the kitchen for food handling and preparation. Use separate cutting boards, utensils and pots and pans when cooking.

In the bathroom, certain food allergens can show up in products such as moisturizers, soaps, shampoos and creams. Goat or cow milk, soy, and nuts can be used in these products, some of which are labeled as “natural.” Check the ingredients of these products, if possible. Bring your own allergy-safe products when visiting or staying over a partner’s house. You may want to ask your partner to switch to these same allergy-safe products.

No matter what room you are in, clean all surfaces well and wash your hands often to avoid residual proteins.

Social pressure during dating

Sometimes you might feel pressure to “just try a little food” or “not make a big deal” about your food allergy. Do not let this type of response from your date, or their family or friends, put yourself at risk. Remember your safety comes first. It’s okay to say no to unsafe foods. True partners and friends will respect your needs.

Green flags to notice when dating with food allergies

Your relationship is heading in the right direction when your partner…

• Remembers your allergies without being reminded
• Checks food labels without being asked
• Wants to learn more
• Makes sure you feel included in all activities
• Supports you when you’re worried about food safety

Red flags to watch for when dating

Warning signs that someone might not be right for you include when your partner…

• Does not take your food allergy seriously
• Forgets about your allergies often
• Pressures you to eat unsafe foods
• Makes fun of your precautions
• Refuses to learn about your emergency medication

Remember: your health and safety always come first. The right person will understand this and help you stay safe as you both enjoy life together.